The Ultimate Mother Fanfiction
by gaybabbyjail
Summary: Ness gets a couple of (read: 6) unwanted visitors at his small Onett apartment. By visitors I mean they literally live in his apartment now with no warning and no shits given. They do some dumb stuff, get arrested, get high on Struttin' Evil Mushrooms, get arrested again, and discover the True Meaning of Friend Ship . Oh yeah, they also get arrested again. Rated M because why not.
1. Chapter 1: oh shit

**CHAPTER 1:** "oh shit"

[author's note: told from the P.O.V. of ness. oh god why]

It was a pretty peaceful day in Onett, especially by my standards. Everything was going normally: Loud, large objects were falling from the sky near my house, the cops were going crazy and karate-chopping kids in the street, people were eating burgers out of the trash, gang violence was running rampant, and people were still trying to get high on those mushrooms on the path to Twoson. Meanwhile, as any good cop would recommend, I was at home playing Nintendo games like a fucking loser. I was in the middle of a boss fight with a literal pile of vomit in some dumb game called "Earthbound" when I heard a loud knock at my door.

"Yeah, yeah, who is it?" I asked.

"Ness don't give me that bullshit, you know exactly who this is," said a male voice from the other side of the door. "Open the door already."

"I'm sorry, who is this?" I asked again, a bit confused.

"It's Ninten, you goddamn loser," said the boy.

 _Shit,_ I thought to myself. _What am I gonna do about this asshole?_

"Dude, I have telepathy, I can hear your thoughts," Ninten said impatiently.

 _Fuck you,_ I thought, hoping he would hear that too.

At last, I opened the door. As it turns out Ninten brought company. And a lot of luggage. Like, holy crap, was he taking an all-expenses-paid trip to my apartment? That was on the 4th floor? Of a building with a single elevator that was not nearly big enough for all of that baggage?

"Uh, hi," I said. "What are you three doing here?" I asked, looking at Ana and Loid, both standing behind Ninten. As any normal person would, I wanted some answers before I allowed a bunch of hitchhikers to settle down at my place uninvited.

"That isn't important," Ana replied quickly and confidently. All I could think was, _Wow, what a total bitch._

"I can still hear you, Ness," she said.

"Oh, fuck off."

The phone rang. I picked it up. Surprisingly, it wasn't my dad sending me money for committing crimes against the people of Onett.

"What?!"

"Ness?" A scared voice answered.

"Who the fuck—"

"It's Jeff. I'm really worried—"

"Jeff, you have many things to be worried about. Like the fact that you still piss in your fucking bed, you're 15, you piece of shit, you shouldn't need a goddamn diaper."

"That's not what—"

"Go talk to your boyfriend about it, I've got my own fucking problems."

"But that's exactly—" I slammed the phone down before he could finish.

"Well, my day sucks," I said to my three guests. "How about you?"

The three of them stared at me. Loid was the first to speak up.

"Well, I got in trouble again for blowing up the science lab at school, except this time it was with actual dangerous explosives instead of just bottle rockets, so my dad got fined a couple thousand bucks, except he lives in a trash can in the swamp that's several miles away, so this isn't exactly the best situation," he said solemnly.

"First of all, what the fuck?" I asked.

"Loid's a bit of a... troubled youth," said Ana.

"Second of all, why does that warrant you barging into my apartment and expecting to be able to live here for no reason? Unless you're going to help me pay my fucking rent then you can get out of here, but I don't actually need any help because my dad will keep funnelling me infinite money so long as I keep assaulting people on the street and calling him about it."

The phone rang again. I didn't even look at the caller ID before I answered.

"Hello, who is this?" I asked politely, despite my current mood.

"Yes, it's Poo, of Dalaam," a stern voice responded. "We are in a bit of trouble over here, and it'd be very kind of you to help out."

"Who's 'we?' What kind of trouble are you in, exactly?"

"Well, Jeff just got out of school finally, I'm supposed to be overseas to complete my studies, and Jeff's coming with me. So do you mind if we stay at your place for the time being?"

 _God dammit_ , I thought.

"Uh, sure," I said uncertainly. "I already have some company over, but they should be gone in a little while." I glared at the three dumbass kids who'd walked into my apartment, who were now sitting on the couch and watching TV. They didn't seem to notice.

"Thank you," he said. "We will see you in a few hours."

The phone rung just as I put it down. "What?!"

"Ness?" A familiar voice started.

My mood lightened. "Paula?"

"I'm in trouble. Can I stay at your place for a while?"

"Of course!" We said goodbye and hung up.

I looked to my uninvited guests. "Okay, my friend Paula is staying for a while, you guys have to leave to make room."

They ignored me.

I looked out the kitchen window and sighed a heavy sigh. I pretty much knew I was fucked at this point, unable to find even a single redeemable factor in this entire shitty situation. For what seemed like a long time I sat at the kitchen table and put my head down and immediately started regretting all of my life decisions. I was awakened, however, from my emo mope session, when Ninten walked in holding a half-empty bag of potato chips and his mouth full of food.

"So are we staying, or what?" he asked, completely disregarding the fact that I was being angsty and edgy at the moment.

"Sure, whatever," I said.

Huge fucking mistake.

"Where are you going to sleep?" I asked.

"We were thinking your room," Loid said without taking his eyes of the TV.

"No." _If anyone's sleeping in my room it'll be Paula._

"Pervert," Ninten said.

"Not like that!" I shouted.

"In here, I guess," Ana offered.

 _How about the storage area in the basement_ , I thought.

"We can hear you."

"I know."

The doorbell rang. It was Paula. She didn't come in until she was invited, politely asked for food, and only brought a little bit of luggage. She was the only polite one who'd be in the apartment for the next few weeks, unfortunately.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay? I see you already have company," she asked.

"Yeah, it's alright. I'll take care of them," I said. "Where are the rest of them? Poo, and Jeff?"

"I don't know. They called me and said they were staying here, they should be here—"

A deafening crash sounded from the back yard. We all ran to the window. A mass of mangled metal was in the backyard, and two burnt human forms crawled out of it.

 _Oh my fucking god._

"So what's for dinner?" Ninten asked.


	2. Chapter 2: oh shittier

[author's note: we're really doing this aren't we]

"I hope it's not humans, because that's disgusting. And illegal," Ninten remarked.

"I'll go help them," Paula said as she ran outside. After she left, I looked outside to see Jeff and Poo, though they were pretty roughed up after Jeff crashed the Sky Runner. Again.

After a few minutes, she and the boys managed to salvage their luggage and brought it inside. I stood there in shock the whole time. Just like the others, they brought way too damn much stuff here.

"Hey Ness, good to see you!" Jeff said cheerfully, tracking soot everywhere as he set his stuff down next to the door to the master bedroom.

"Hello, my friend," said Poo, unusually social and upbeat compared to his normal, stoic, regal piece of shit attitude he usually had. "How have you been, in the long time we haven't spoken?"

"Well if you want to be technical, we spoke, like, half an hour ago on the phone, but yeah, I'm fine."

Jeff was looking into my bedroom. "Dibs on the bed!"

"That's my bed," I answered.

"So where are we sleeping?" Poo asked.

"Guest bedroom, I guess?"

"Why do they get the bedroom while we have to sleep in here?" Loid whined.

"Because these fuckers had the courtesy to call first," I muttered. "I also actually know them, unlike... whoever the hell you three are."

They looked at me in shock, as if I was _supposed_ to know all about them.

"What? I literally have no idea who you are, or why you decided to show up at my door. Go bother Lucas or something, he lives down the street."

"Who's Lucas?" asked Ana.

Jeff poked his head out of the guest room. "There's only one bed."

"There's only supposed to be one guest!"

"So, is someone gonna sleep on the floor or something?"

Poo stepped forward. "I'll do it. Sleeping on the floor was a mandatory part of my training back in Dalaam, and I'd like to continue a routine."

"Wait, are you serious?" asked Paula.

"No, beds are stupid," he replied, a smile crossing his face for the first time ever.

"Where's Paula sleeping?" Jeff asked.

"She can sleep wherever the hell she wants."

Jeff frowned. He stepped back into the bedroom to grab his stuff.

"And Jeff, I swear to god, if you piss ANYWHERE in my house that isn't the bathroom, I will literally throw you out the window."

"You mean figura—"

"LITERALLY!"

[author's note: scene change, fuck you]

"What happened to that Ness kid?" Officer Jimmy asked.

"That guy who beat the ever-loving shit out of us?" Bimmy answered.

"We should get our revenge," Kimmy added.

"We'll need some excuse," Limmy replied.

"There was some noise in his backyard," Zimmy offered.

"Good enough for me."

[Another scene change, fuck you again]

A loud banging emanated from the door. "This is the police!"

"Oh my fucking god." I opened the door.

"Mister Ness—"

"That's not my last name."

"You are under arrest for disturbing the peace—"

"That was them."

"Vandalism—"

"Also them."

"Assault and battery—"

"What?" I looked to Ninten, Ana, and Loid.

"Arson—"

"Jeff and Poo, I guess."

"Resisting arrest—"

"I'm not doing anything!"

"Possession of a weapon—"

"It's a fucking baseball bat!" Jeff, Poo, and Loid tried to avoid eye contact.

"And jaywalking."

"Yeah, that was me."

"We're bringing all seven of you to prison."

"You can't arrest me for jaywalking, and Paula didn't—"

"We can quadruple your sentence for resisting arrest."

"No, you can't. And we're not resisting anything."

I heard the window break, and turned around just in time to see Loid jumping out.

"Okay, he is, but—"

That was all I remember before waking up in a cell.

"What the hell?"

"He beat us up," Ninten informed me. "Come on man, you're the house owner, you're supposed to protect us."

I looked around the dark cell, revealing that all six of my new housemates were in here with me. I couldn't care less about the strangers, but I looked over the people I knew to make sure they're not too injured. Jeff looked like shit, Poo surprisingly not like shit, but Paula looked the worst.

"You're not supposed to hit a girl, you fucks!"

"I see you're warming up to Ana," Ninten said.

"I was talking about Paula!" I roared. "And we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you!"

"It's their fault!" Loid whined, pointing to Jeff and Poo. "They crashed the weird space thing!"

"Hey!" I shouted to one of the cops. "Let us the hell out of here!"

"Add 'assaulting an officer' to your list of charges," Kimmy said, wrapping his fingers around his baton.

"I didn't assault anyone! You attacked me for no reason!"

"Maybe so," Jimmy chuckled, "but as far as anyone knows, you struck first."

"I didn't even get a fucking green swirl! What is this?"

"Are you kidding me?" said Jeff.

Just then, I heard the sound of a door opening. It was Captain Strong exiting the back room of the station after beating up more innocent children. He looked like he'd just unleashed his Mambo-Tango-Foxtrot Martial Arts on some kid, laughing like a complete dumbass.

"I think I prefer the Twoson PD," Paula said weakly.

"Oh, of course you would," I said angrily. "I don't remember getting arrested and buttraped by in-battle RNG when I was in Twoson."

"We can take them," Ninten said.

"Threatening an officer!" Zimmy shouted.

"How long are we in here?" Jeff asked.

"Until I say so."

"Ness, I wanna go home," Ana whined.

"I want you to go home too. _Your_ home,  not my apartment."

"That's our house now," Ninten says.

I think that was when the depression set in.

After a couple hours of Ninten and Loid complaining and Ana seemingly trying to flirt with everyone in the cell, my phone rang. It was a horribly infernal noise, a piercing whine that made me suicidal every time I hear it.

I slammed my hand on the answer button as fast as I could. For some reason, the police were stupid enough not to confiscate it. "What."

"Hai Ness, it's apple kid."

"Just a warning, if you want to crash at my place… NO!"

"What? No. I heard you got arrested or some shit. Anyway, I fixed the sky runner in your backyard, and—"

The call cut off when the wall behind us caved in. I lifted the rubble off myself and stood up to find that the sky runner had crashed into the prison. Ninten, Ana, and Loid sprinted away shouting "Freedom! Fuck the Onett Police!"

I saw Bimmy unlocking our cell, and Paula, Jeff, Poo, and I ran back to our house. Apple kid had apparently decided to keep the sky runner, as he was flying back to winters for some reason.


End file.
